The Query Letter
By JL Copeland
Alright?
Yes, finally.
The novel is finished.
No caveats, no ‘I just need tos’ or ‘apart froms.’
It’s done.
I’m done.
If I tried one more draft, they’d discover me curled up under my writing desk, keyboard hugged tight, thumb in mouth, eyes wide, gibbering about voices from the Grammarly Man.
No, this isn’t a please buy my book post.
That one is beginning to peep its ugly mush over the top of the hill, but it’s not yet time for it to come and harass the villagers.
First, I’ve got to sell Nicksgate.
Or at least get representation.
For the uninitiated among you, for traditional publishing, a writer has to first find an agent willing to take their book on. The agent then tries to sell the manuscript to a publishing house.
I was originally set on self-publishing. But before I do, I thought sod it, let’s give trad-publishing a whirl for a couple of months, see what happens.
So, yep, I’m going to try to get an agent.
Do literary agents actually read queries?
From what I’ve read, given the tsunami of submissions they receive each year, the likelihood of an agent taking on a debut author’s book is upwards of 5,000-1.
That’s the same chance as Kim Kardashian becoming U.S. President or Elvis being found alive.
Although with current world events running somewhere between baseball-bat-to-a-beehive and batshit, I like those odds.
But first, I have to write the dreaded query letter.
How to write a great query letter to a literary agent?
There’s a prescribed format; every word has to count.
This is my first attempt. Hit me with a comment and let me know what you think (or if you know any agents, feel free to forward):
Dear ___ at Slush Pile Literary
I am delighted to present my debut novel, Nicksgate. It’s the stiletto-skewering humour of Fleabag meets the sense-obliterating dread of The Descent.
Actually, it’s not really, but I thought that sounded pretty cool. And it made you keep reading, right?
Come to think of it, neither of those are books; but I’m well read, I promise, I just haven’t found anything like Nicksgate.
Writing a book is like really, really, really hard, so I don’t have as much time to read, you see. Though because it’s so difficult, I guess not that many people do it, right? So you agent guys must have lots of time on your hands?
If you could read my manuscript and suggest some decent comparative titles for when I query more high-profile agents, I’d be like soooo grateful.
As for the story, well there’s this woman, and she’s a bit of a fuck-up and then there’s this ghost and she’s like ‘Oh no, a ghost!’ and then she falls in love with this lesbian chick (LGBT rep is very important to me, but I can totally change the chick to a dude if you think it will make it easier to sell).
Then a load of stuff happens, and I don’t really want to spoil it, so it’s better if you just read the whole thing.
It’s not great (this is my first try, after all!), but it’s like, not bad. At least, I don’t think reading it is a waste of time (so long as you don’t typically tend to do anything productive with your time—I know I don’t!). I’m really excited about getting the word out about it!
I heard that you guys* take 15%, but if you agree to rep me you can have like 60%. Or 90%. Or just take the whole lot as long as my name’s still on the cover.
Or how about I keep 5% with your name on the cover and I get a mention in the acknowledgments? I know I drive a hard bargain, but this is a business after all.
My bio?
Well, the highlight of my life so far was my turn as Potiphar in Allithwaite Primary School’s 1989 production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, which the Grange Now described as ‘underwhelming.’
I have a driver’s licence, a clean criminal record, and am eager to learn.
50 metres swimming badge.
Abracadabra Recorder 1B.
Anyhoo, if you want the first three chapters, I’ll like totally spellcheck the shit out of them and get them over to you next week sometime (if I’m not busy).
Let me know.
Laters,
JL
*I keep saying guys, but you might be a girl. And that’s cool; girls can do everything these days—it’s mental!!!